My DiaryLand Diary

2005-03-02 - 8:02 a.m.

Well, I can't truly say I fully "get" unschooling,
but thanks to my Yahoo lists I think
I have come a long way. For several years, people have been recommending Faber and Mazlich's "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen..." and I can
now give voice to the discomfort I feel reading this popular book. They do have some ideas I like, for example being honest and actually saying you are angry when you're angry (that's pretty basic, I know, but it's something I struggle with). However, I find their approach manipulative and contrived. It's still about parents trying to get their kids to do what they want them to do.
I remember when I was 15 or 16 , my parents must have read this book or gone to a workshop or something. I was summoned to my father's study. He was furious because I hadn't been doing my chores.
I remember the veins standing out in his forehead.
I was crying and he was trying to get me to participate in making a "contract" about household chores. I just sat there, tears running down my face. He got angrier and angrier and I couldn't or wouldn't say anything. I think he finally wrote up the "contract" and made me sign it. It was taped to the fridge for a long time. I remember being very embarrassed about it. I tried to hide it with magnets when my friends came over, and eventually, when I was pretty sure my parents wouldn't get angry about it , I took it down and threw it away.
Clearly, when the kid doesn't have the option of saying "no" , it doesn't help the relationship to try and force them to participate in decision making. I doesn't feel at all different from punishment, just less honest.

Let's be clear, I'm not slamming my parents here. I honestly believe they were trying to do the right thing by me. That said, I feel sad when I imagine how the above episode might have gone if I had been unschooled, if my parents had truly been open to my input and
respected me as an individual from the beginning.