2004-12-22 - 11:56 a.m.
Feeling guilty.
Not a productive emotion.
DH is on his way home and my moment of silence will be gone.
For some reason when he leaves for work in the morning he really wants me to come to the door and see him off.
What the f--- is that about? I have to drop whatever I'm doing, come to the door, and wait for him to get his shoes on then stand there and lock him out. Why can't he just say, "Bye?" and lock himself out?? And why is it OK for him to step over the garbage I've left tin the dorrway to be taken out? Would it be so hard for him to just take it with him on his way out?
The needing to be officially sent off when he leaves in the morning will NEVER make sense to me. He sure as hell doesn't send me off when I go...in fact, he so resents when I go out without him, I'm lucky if I get anything except stony silence. But the not taking out the garbage...I think that illustrates a fundamental difference between us. He needs to be able to focus on only one thing at a time. He is going to work, by the most direct route, and that is that. He shouldn't be expected to do or even think about anything else. I, on the other hand, always multitask. If I'm going to the cleaners, I am going to take the garbage out and check the mail and maybe pick up some milk too because the store is on the way. And I have to remember the kids' stuff, make sure I haven't forgotten anything, get them into their coats,...it is never just about one thing. It is most definitely never just about what **I** want to focus on.
If I ask him to feed the baby while I finish getting our dinner ready, he grumbles, "You always insiste on giving me something to do!" as if it were unreasonable, as if it is his right to sit and watch TV while I'm trying to do five things at once. How can he do that, how can he just sit there and let himself be waited on, and how dare he expect that of me??
On the other hand, his going to work every day and earning money at a job he doesn't like, is what gives me the ability to sit here updating my blog, reading books, or watching "Sex and the City" in the middle of the day on a Wednesday. So there is a little voice in the back of my mind saying, "Just do your work and be nice to him."
The classic housewife's dilemma...oh Holy Mother of God when did this actually become my life??
Leave a comment 2 comments so far
Listening to: silence!!
Reading: more John Holt and feeling guilty for not being a better parent....
Kids are up to: Christmas party at hoikuen, DD coming home in an hour
